Growing up, my mother consistently told me not to worry about men. She insisted that I needed to focus on my life and my career first and then men would come. I listened to her (although I was extremely boy crazy) and focused mostly on my future and carving a career for myself. Once I turned 25, my mom suddenly asked, “So you’re not seeing anyone special?”.

I was confused. All my life she’d warned me against men, and now I was supposed to be in a relationship? I suppose by her instruction it made sense: if I focused on…

After I shared my last blog post, I realized that I wasn’t the only woman who felt unworthy of love. Multiple women were able to relate to the subconscious pattern of choosing partners they felt were ‘less than’. And why wouldn’t they? Living in a heterosexual, patriarchal society has taught a lot of us that dating is all about keeping a man, that the man is the most worthy, most important part of the relationship, and that if we screwed that up then the problem is us. And then that same society turns around and tells men that they are…

After Scruff broke it off with me, I tried to convince myself that I was okay.

No matter how it actually went down, the outcome was still the same: our situationship had ended. We were both no longer interested in each other and were free to move on. Yet, I felt like I was emotionally paddling above water, just enough to keep my head over the waves that threatened to pull me into a deep depression. I kept telling myself I was fine, it was fine, we were fine, this was fine, everything was fine.

Until I finally caved and…

The last time I’d broken up with Scruff, it didn’t end well.

The Past

It was eight years ago and we were still trying to be ‘friends’. We talked regularly and we both realized that we would be in Antigua at the same time. The last time that had happened was over a year and a half prior when we were talking but it wasn’t as deep.

Scruff was excited to be in the same place at the same time again. Yes, we were ‘friends’, but it was clear he expected to be much more once we were in each other’s presence…

Two days after paying for my own food and on the same day I posted this story about dating multiple men, Scruff ordered dinner and sent it to my house. I didn’t think it was a coincidence. Whether Scruff realized his error and sought to correct it or wanted to stay one step ahead of the competition or genuinely wanted to do something nice for me, I’d never know. I didn’t ask questions.

Well, at first because I honestly didn’t believe he’d do it. At this point, he’d spoken of doing so much for me without following through I figured…

Once I got to Virginia and settled in at my mother’s house, I breathed a sigh of relief. There was something comforting about being back in the suburbs, almost as if I had missed it after living in Connecticut for so long. I spent my first day feeling disoriented from jet lag and spending time with my family. But I knew I’d have to see Scruff soon.

I decided that I was no longer going to argue with him. I had been working on my anger and arguing for a few years but when I argued with Scruff everything I…

My entire dating life has felt like a continual fight.

I used to pride myself on the fact that I never asked men for much. I was totally open to splitting checks, dating scrubs and even going out of my comfort zone if it made their lives easier. All I asked was that they communicate well, be honest and don’t be clingy. Easy right?

Except, for some (most) men, it wasn’t that easy. They’d refuse to do even the most basic level of communication. Or they’d try to ghost me or deceive me while thinking they were the most clever…

While Scruff was off on his ship, he did email as promised. We went back and forth for six weeks, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. Sometimes the internet on his ship would fail and I’d have to wait days for a response. Sometimes he’d simply be too busy to respond. And so I’d bide my time focusing on various projects and keeping busy in general. When he got back we’d FaceTime every other night for about two weeks before he had to go back to sea for another three weeks.

And I was fine. I mean…